The First Time I…Wore a Two-Piece Swimsuit

The year my friends and I turned 19, we planned the ultimate girls trip. A place full of crazy characters, interesting food, and joy rides.

Disneyland.

It was 2006. Ryan, Seth, Marissa, and Summer had just graduated. Naturally, we spent a day at the OC. The beach.

Here is where I would debut my first two-piece swimsuit. Which I specifically purchased for this trip. Exciting. I AM 19 DAMN IT.

Here’s the thing. Brown girl’s generally don’t grow up wearing two-piece swimsuits. Its just not what we do. A large generalization but based on some truth.

That being said, it was a tankini. A tankini with shorts.

Ironically enough, it covered more than a one-piece swimsuit would.

BUT.

TWO. SEPARATE. PIECES.

I don’t know specifically what the discomfort is. I think it is a combination of being so publicly exposed with a touch of low self-esteem coupled with the dreaded “Log kya kahenge?” (What will people think?) - Both of my body and of me exposing it. Despite my best efforts, it is hard not to internalize misogynistic sentiments about what my South Asian body represents. Shame.

Many people who grew up in South Asian households can relate to feeling the link between our bodies and shame. Our bodies are not meant to be seen. And if your body is seen, well you probably have terrible morals. And even worse parents. Feeling trapped between shame and curiosity and between tradition and modernity, the tankini seemed like the ideal swimsuit.

It would not be for another 3 years that I would dare to wear a two-piece swimsuit again. 2009, off my bff and I went, to explore Southeast Asia. I had packed one one-piece suit. However, it quickly became clear that I should have brought a second swimsuit since we were at the beach every day.

This was my chance.

No one knew me here. And, it was really the only style available.

So, from a tiny stall in a tiny market, I bought my first tiny bikini.

I didn’t love it. I didn’t hate it. But I realized I didn’t hate my body.

I felt fun, feminine, and free.

Any body is a beach body. Topless. Thong. Itty bitty. One-piece. Two-piece. Skirted. T-shirt. Wrap. Cover. Burkini. Flippers. Whatever. You do you.